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Honesty to Ourselves is the Hardest Truth.

2007-06-22

I'm in my late 20's. Overwieght, unemployed and broke.  A few months ago, I was living the high life. I had a semi-prestigious job, I felt beautiful and desired, I travelled, had many friends,  drove a nice car and lived in a nice house. I was envied by a few and I felt superior to some.  Six months to starting that semi-prestigious job, I was fired.And now... I'm back home, living with my parents, and living through their charity. All the comfort and financial freedom I had a few months ago had to be given up. I have no money. I don't have a dollar to my name.  I hate myself for becoming this blob of a looser.  I even tried my hand at selling a few things online. That didn't pan out. Everything I am spells L-O-O-S-E-R. I have no consistency, no success, no boyfriend, no nice car, no friends, no job, NOTHING. I have NOTHING. Nothing except what my parents give me. Nothing except memoreis of grandeaur. I started life on the high road to success. My parents are both successful business people. They tried teaching me the value of money, they taught me what was right from wrong, they taught me to be a good Christian. And yet....none of those virtues ever stuck to me. I'm a spiteful, tempestuous person. Quick to anger and slow to apologise. I yell at our servants for the littlest things. I lead by fear and not by respect.  I am loved by a few, feared by some and hated by many. And to top it all off, I'am very unhappy and lost. I know not what became of my self esteem. All I know is that somewhere along the road to success, I lost myself. I lost my self worth and I lost my confidence.  I lost the battle to freedom, independence and success. I've made many mistakes. Regret not doing many things when opportunity was ripe.  And now....I am lost.  I'm going on vacation for a few months (courtesy of my parents, ofcourse). I'm leaving this God forsaken place. And when I come back, I'll come back a different person. All I know is that, I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be unhappy, I don't want to be unsucessful, I don't want to be spiteful, I don't want to be bitter and envious. I want only to be happy, loving, and free. I want to be me again. I hope that God would hear my prayers and answer my plea for forgiveness and show me the way. I haven't prayed in many, many years. Sometimes I feel like a fraud when I pray, for surely, God knows, I only pray to ask him for favors. But I am at the end of my rope. I'm a woman drowning in my own vomit. I am bursting to be free of this ridiculous curse of underachievement.  'Tis time for a new chapter in life. A new book.  And I choose to be happy. I choose to be content. I choose to look at life with the glass half full. I choose me. I choose love. I choose life. I choose happiness. I choose success. I choose God's grace. And I choose God's love. 

 

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